20 something. Those years in between. We feel all grown up but honestly? We are just little teenagers trying to find our way in this messed up yet so beautiful world. We are definitely old enough to make the right decisions, at least we should be. But at the same time we are still young enough to make the wrong ones and people will say “those teenage years are there to figure it all out!”
“How much for the world? (…) well, a small coke then please…”
We are torn between taking on the world, exploring, travelling, enjoying life to the fullest and … – well being broken as shit! But that’s okay, because we all have those great and bright futures in front of us, so bright we do have to spend those 120 $ on the newest raybans.
And while writing all of this, I recognize myself in it. I notice that everything we do is so random, so predictable, so influenced by all those social media accounts. And the worst part? We notice it our self but still we do the exact same thing. I am preaching about being your own self, finding your way, and at the same time I am sitting in front of my laptop, writing down the next recipe for you guys and posting a picture of my latest food on Instagram. But everyone is always showing the great life. No one talks about the kilos of chocolate I eat in a week, or the hateful messages I get. Don’t get me wrong! I love what I am doing – and this is me! I love cooking and all my cooperations? I am standing a hundred percent behind that product and really use it. But still… So is pretty much every other girl. We are all so individual – yet wearing our blue ripped jeans, a flower patterned shirt and never forget: them white sneakers! Talking about how independent we are and we do not need anyone because we are so strong. Come on! Be honest! You do miss those strong arms holding you through the night, just as much as others.
Which leads me to the next point. This love thing everyone is talking about? It feels like a joke. We fall in and out of love within a blink of an eye. We meet our soulmate, our prince charming, but you know what? We then mess it up, because it’s just too good to be true. Or break it up because they are simply “too nice!” We make it way more complicated than it should be and in the end – we walk away. Or do we give up? Anyway, we don’t take chances on love anymore. While we are taking chances on every party, every fun experience, every little thing that seems cool, everything we can post on Instagram to seem even cooler, while doing this we completely forget about taking a chance on what could actually safe us in the end. This weird thing called love.
And as Christopher Poindexter said before: Aren’t we all just humans drunk on the idea that love, only love could heal our brokenness?
These days, we are not drunk on any ideas about love. We are simply drunk. Drunk on alcohol. Drunk to forget this love thing. We seem to be too afraid to fail so we just don’t try at all.
20 something years on this earth and still no one can be honest about their true feelings.
In my eyes it’s not weak to show someone how you feel about them. Why lying about it, why give them the feeling they are not worth it, not worth speaking the truth to, – just so we seem cooler? And yes you can fall hard and long by doing this, but you could also fly high, higher than you have ever been before. And even if you fall, did you really fail? Or does this just make you stronger? Also, let someone know when they hurt you. Just staying friends after “it”? No, I can’t act like everything is okay, if it is not! And that is not a shame.
My generation is known as the “generation relationship incapable”. And you know what? This is so accurate! It seems as if we keep on waiting for something better. We grew up with everyone telling us: “All the doors are widely open for you: you can do whatever you want to, you can be whatever you want to, you will get whatever you want to, it is all about you!” In a way, this is true. We are all pretty equal these days, and career wise we do have the chance to be pretty much anything if we work hard. We got taught to always reach high and never settle for anything less, but isn’t there a time where you also should be happy with what you have? And by being happy with it I do not mean to stop and stand still. I mean to learn to appreciate stuff, to give chances on something that is maybe not as “perfect” as we believe we deserve. But maybe this not-so-perfect thing will turn out to be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us. Take a chance! Don’t miss out on something that could be great just because it also could be difficult.
That’s me, Ms. 20 Something.
Ain’t got nothin’,
runnin’ from love.
Wish you were here..
– SZA, 20 something
One thing, me as Ms. 20 something, had to learn the hard way is to know when to walk away. Yes, I just wrote half a side about how to take chances and not to give up to easily if it doesn’t work out right away, but there are always two sides to something.
Holding on too long can make everything even more complicated than it actually is. Sometimes you just need to walk away from something you want so badly, to make it work. Like a beautiful piece of art. Sometimes you need to create some distance to it to see its whole beauty, to see what it really is about, what it triggers inside of you, what it means to you. And believe me it does help.
It is hard, not going to lie. It hurts cutting someone out of your life when you feel like you need them so much. When you can’t sleep at night not knowing what they are doing, and when you finally fall asleep they show up in your dream. Looking at your phone every time it lights up, wishing their name would pop up. Wanting to talk to them every time something worth telling happens. Having this bitter sweet smell coming up your nose, turning your head around because it reminds you of someone. Reminds you of them. Looking around when you are out on weekend nights, hoping to meet their eyes, finding something in them that will let you know that it is not over yet. But at the same time, acting like you are having the time of your life without them. Having so much fun you did not even see them coming in – when actually the only reason you went out tonight, was the small chance of running into them. Posting pictures, posting stories, and constantly checking if they looked at it – if they saw how great you are doing. Getting goose bumps every time someone mentions their name, even thought they might be talking about a totally different person. Starring outside your window with a beating heart every time you hear a car stopping in front of your house, wishing it would be them. Listening to loud music, trying to keep all the thoughts about them out of your head, and the song is not even on its first bridge and they are already back on your mind. Can’t even manage to keep them off for those damn three minutes. And when you finally manage to, you concentrate on the lyrics just to notice that they fit “soooo perfectly” to your situation and – once again – wanting to tell only them about it. Missing their arms around you, missing their voice, missing their smile – well let’s face it – just missing them.
You know how you start having a small crush on someone but then after a few days you catch yourself thinking about them a lot? And you start getting to know each other but somehow time doesn’t seem right. And you keep asking yourself: “are we bad? Or is it just bad timing?” And that little crush is no longer a little crush, it’s an adult crush and because you both are 20 something – it ruins your life. You built it up, it breaks down again, we overthink and day-by-day things get more complicated like what the fuck I didn’t sign up for this. Ever had this problem? Wanting to hold on so badly, because there are those little things about the other one you really just can’t imagine not being around anymore. And by keep on holding on you destroy it for the both of you. Because you can’t lie about something not being right. Maybe you are too young, maybe he is the one, maybe it, whatever “it” is, hurt you just one too many times. And maybe forgiveness is loving yourself enough to walk away.
Because there is a huge difference between walking away, and giving up on someone. “Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own.” (- Robert Tew). Walking away is a chance to find yourself again, having lost this on the way. You give yourself the opportunity to build up, to grow, and to gain back strength, to figure out what it is you want. What you have been missing and what the next steps are going to be. Walking away doesn’t mean you can’t walk back again. Yes, sometimes the people won’t come back, and you know what? Sometimes that is okay. They will not be the only ones you will cross paths with. It doesn’t matter where you are going, which road you are taking, what matters is that you are still moving.
Giving up on the other hand is a dead end. There is no more hope to be found. Giving up on someone is probably the hardest thing to do but I believe there are situations where it is a must-take-action.
For me, I have never given up on someone so far. Not saying I won’t ever do so. Anyhow, I did walk away from people before, and so far I gained way more out of it then I lost. Sometimes the second time around it just all makes more sense. Both sides had time to make their minds up, to put themselves first again.
These days you shouldn’t hang on to someone if it doesn’t feel like eating straight out of a Nutella jar with a spoon. And stay true enough to yourself, to honestly tell people when they hurt you. Most of the time they did not do it on purpose. And it’s no shame to admit that you cannot “just stay friends” after – once again – whatever “it” is/was. This doesn’t mean you will never talk to each other again. It’s not a giving up; it is a walking away till things make more sense again. And this is totally fine.
The only question is: will there be a second time around? Or are both sides just too stubborn to admit they are missing each other, too afraid to make the first step and then it just all goes away. Because I believe sometimes you do not get over it, you just burry it deeper. You try to forget all about them. And time goes by. Days, weeks, months, might even be years. And you meet someone else. You start talking, you have your first date. He is great! But after that first date, you lay down in your bed, and you feel… well… you feel nothing. Your mind runs back to the first time you met with that other person and how you felt afterwards – and it’s that moment you realize how happy you were back then. You see yourself all cuddled up in your bed with the biggest smile on your face, your heart was pounding and you were simply happy. He touched your heart. And you got this short message on your phone right after they left your place. And thinking about the exact feeling you had at that moment, at the beginning of the story of “you and I”, makes you forget about all the bullshit that happened on those last few pages of your book and it makes you miss them. Missing them in a super strange way. It feels like missing something you never had, which is even worse because it is literally missing from you. And maybe the other half is feeling the exact same way, but we are both just too stubborn to take the first step, too afraid. Thinking too much with our heads instead of our hearts.
And in the end, we all just wish for that one person to show up at our door. We want to feel enough, because after all: Love is enough…